In the last 2-3 months so much has changed. I've tried to write on numerous occasions, but alas, it has never worked out.
Lost in my depression and aching for something to help, I started doing some research (surprise surprise). Immediately following both deliveries, I started birth control-- a progestin based medication (fake progesterone with a itty bitty bit of estrogen). After the first, I took myself off after about 8 months, blaming the known side effect of water retention for my last 8 pounds that were staking their claim on my midsection and thighs. True to form, I did lose 2 pounds almost immediately. I also lost something else. My post partum depression. I suddenly had more energy, more clarity, and I wasn't so frustrated all day long. So, after being crippled emotionally for 8 months and feeling like all I wanted to do was scream all day, I decided to have my IUD taken out. No kidding, within 3 days, my rage-aholic tendency all but disappeared. My brain fog got less cloudy. And I didn't hate Keith or the my life all day. I could suddenly accomplish at least 3 things in a day-- which was previously a major feat. Oh the power of a pill. True, it did its job-- I didn't get pregnant, but I'm not sure what ELSE it did was remotely positive.
Now, some things never change. The baby still doesn't sleep through the night. We thought we had struck gold when there were 3 nights in a row that he slept 8 consecutive hours. Short lived wealth. He now will sleep about 3 hours at a time. At best. So I still get irritated with the constant interruption every-single-stinkin' night and I really REALLY just want to sleep, I don't feel like shaking him as he screams in my arms-- just.... swaying really hard :)
Two weeks after the IUD came out, with a clearer brain, I got to contemplate my life. This time, though, I wasn't judging how I was doing in my position, but rather, my position juxtapose to my personality. And what I found is perhaps the hardest confession I've ever made. I don't think I'm cut out to be a stay at home ANYTHING, much less a stay at home mom. I thrive off of other people, an extrovert to the max. I glean energy and excitement from teaching and helping other people. I have come to grips with the FACT that women are inherently doomed to judgement: damned if you don't stay at home with your kids, but damned by others if you do. It's a lose-lose situation. UNLESS you own your role. Because this is what I discovered about myself: I am so aware of the influence a mother can have on her children, that if I'm not at my peak, the influence I have on my boys will not be what I want it be. I don't want them to see mommy as constantly tired, frustrated, and on her last nerve with fussing, active, whiney boys. I want them to see mommy smiling, playful, engaging, and happy. All things I'm not sure I could ever be with no social interaction, 15 extra pounds, and not helping or teaching people about better health. I'm not wired to be longsuffering, in fact, being patient only make me suffer long!! I long to help people leave a crappy existence to come into a vibrant life-- and I can't do that teaching letters and numbers and colors. I respect those moms who can, 'cause let me tell ya, working at home is much more emotionally demanding, all absorbing, and draining if you're not designed to do it.
In essence, I had to know my role. It's shameful, still, to admit that I'm not fulfilled by staying at home with my children. It makes me feel a little like a failure as a mom. But what overrides that shame is the unequivocal knowledge that my time with the boys is immeasurably better now that mommy is being fulfilled. Without a shadow of a doubt, I will still create scars and screw up, but now, at least I KNOW it isn't because I'm too frustrated with a 2 year old and a baby that won't sleep to enjoy the time I have. And the funny thing is, without taking that stupid IUD out, I may have missed my opportunity to be a real blessing as a mom. Even more irony? I hate medications. I think they cause more damage than good many MANY times. And the removal of the medications coupled with the implementation of better habits and nutritional support for a damaged body results in better health. Talk about knowing your role. Maybe I should do a better job of living it.
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