Ok, to be honest, I've never read the novel (shock and horror, I know) but sometimes, I feel as if my life IS the tale of two cities. I grew up poor, not like destitute poor, but living on the credit card poor. My mom is a good faker-- so she faked it (that we had the money to do it) and let me do a pageant or two. Strangely, I won them. God only knows how. I think it's because I talk good. :)
Beauty queen, farm girl. I enjoyed this diabolical life. I spent lots of time dreaming about the first and wondering how to play up the latter. I wanted to be important. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be more than a farm girl should be. I was 'famous' for being the storybook girl. Poor but beautiful and smart. Bound for greatness. And the accent, don't forget the accent. I can't tell you how many people want(ed) to hear me say shiyit.
You know what I did today? I changed diapers. I made a gluten, dairy, and corn free dinner. I held a screaming baby. I read another doctor's research and anaylsis. Not my own. I shared a bottle of wine with my husband. I spent 90 minutes at chick-fil-a so my eldest could play. I researched daycares because my skills are inadequate for dealing with my 2 1/2 yr old.
....What happened to the greatness? Where's the glamour I felt like should follow me? Where's the significance I thought I'd bring to life? ...Isn't it obvious? It went down the crapper along with the tee-tee from the first attempts at potty training.
I somehow thought I was bound for greatness. The road was paved for it-- the potential there. Or at least in my brain it was. Nine years of school, ambitions to save the world, hopes to restore health to all of America, big dreams to run a free 'fat camp' that REALLY changes lives (cause I was the fat kid ).... and what do I do everyday? I change diapers. I make dinner. I love and support my husband who has loved and supported me. I read other doctor's thoughts on how to help my 8 month old sleep, I feed the dogs.
What's so important about that? And how do you convince yourself that being a full time mom is the most important job you'lll ever have? Seriously, working would make my life easier. I wouldn't freak out daily about what my son is or isn't learning or that my youngest won't sleep more than an hour at a time. I had so much potential.... and I change diapers. I can't be the only one that's experiencing this constant and all consuming tug of war. I'm a doctor for crying out loud!!!! I've been in school for 9 years since I graduated high school. I have a DOCTORATE degree. And I mix baby cereal. I make baby food. I count to 10. I bounce an almost 8 month old to sleep several times a day and night.
I love my boys. There's not a moment I'd rather not have them. I can't imagine life without them and I don't WANT to. There's not a moment I regret them (another story, another catharsis, another day, another bottle). But, really, is THIS what life is.....?
You are NOT the only one experiencing "this constant and all consuming tug of war"! I'm there with you and love relating to your blog, sweety. I have the 8 month old baby mama drama right now too! I admire you for going through the mama drama with a toddler on board too. I agree that working would be easier than raising the babies, but who better to raise our sweet darlings than us?! You are an intelligent chiropractor and a beautiful woman and spending these few first years in sweatpants with baby food on your sleeve and a B.S. & D.C. on your name will only make you a stronger and more compassionate chiropractor. I wish we lived closer so we could have a girls day out, even with the little ones, to discuss life and chiropractic like we did a year ago @ Doc Greens when things seemed to be going where we wanted them to. You will get to it...but the only way is to go through it! I read a Chinese proverb the other day that said, "Be not afraid of going slowly...only be afraid of standing still." We will reach that higher meaning and fulfillment in our personal and professional lives, but now is the time to be the best moms we can be. I'm responding to you at 3AM because it is the only time that I get to be alone with my thoughts and put effort into my personal/professional endeavors. Try to do at least one small thing a day geared towards developing your practice, whether it is updating your website, writing a script for your future CA, jotting down marketing ideas or creating your logo...the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. Good night and you are in my prayers. Thanks for your blogging. I need to start one myself.
ReplyDeleteMothering can be so hard, but what helps me is to remember that this is a SEASON of my life. One season, and it'll be over before you know it. I had a season when I used my masters degree and work was one of the most important things in my life. I think I'll have that season again one day, but right now *this* is it for me. The everyday, mundane though it is, adds up to the big things.
ReplyDeleteI've written similar rantings before. :)
http://mamathereader.com/2010/09/20/on-wordsworth-and-butt-paste/
and
http://mamathereader.com/2010/10/06/the-self-with-a-capital-s-and-presence-with-a-capital-p/
Chin up, mama. We've all been there. And I'm happy you've started blogging. I really cherish it as an outlet and a journal. It's one of my favorite ways to spend those rare alone moments. :)
-Katie