The hurricane of intention and expectation.

 

A picture of my mind....

Not severe enough to warrant wide spread panic. 
But strong enough to take precaution.
In just the right location to make the biggest mess.
In need of a path change.
And.
Huge.
And.
Well.
Huge.
Swirling.
Chaos.
Turbulence.
Friction.

When a low meets a high.
When intention meets expectation.
When choices become decisions.

Because decisions are how life happens.  When choosing your life (my life)....what do I want it to look like? 

What's more important?
Stupid question.
Hard decision.

If you aren't a working mom or never thought you would be a working mom or never wanted to be a working mom, you might not feel this struggle.  If you aren't a business owner with a professional degree and a... boatload of educational debt, this decision might be easy-- or not even be a decision or hurricane in your life.

But this is a hurricane in my brain.  A daily swirling chaos of low and high.  Of intention vs. expectation.

My husband and kids are the most important 'things' in my life.  I want to live like that.  We have made a decision to parent and 'spouse' with intention.  To work.  Hard.  on these relationships.  To make the best decisions for our family.

A growing decline in society's mores and habits in all areas lead us to becoming hermits within our own lives-- but we can't do that.  Teaching kids good habits in all areas is near impossible when schools feed over processed food, rewards are filled with cancer causing materials, parents have stopped parenting hence leading kids to do and say anything they please with no direction.  It'll make you go mad!!

And yet... I have this *thing*  I have this longing to help and heal.  I have this *thing* in me that needs interaction with adults.  All day with tiny people will make me lose my everlovin' mind!!  And the whole idea of intentional parenting might go flying out the window I'd break throwing a KID out the window!

Sigh.

What do you do when you have a choice? 
When the choice demands a decision?

When intention and expectation collide?

When you feel like an absolute failure because your kids are in someone else's care more hours than yours?
And yet, the thought of making a Halloween costume ("as a good mother should"-- or any other crafty thing) give me hives.

When you feel like a horrific parent because you are actively choosing (when you don't HAVE to) to work outside the home?
And yet, this *thing* in you drives you to heal and help others.

When you want your family to be your priority-- and you tell yourself and others that it is-- but your time reflects that money is your priority?

swirling.maddening.chaos.destruction.construction.resolve.dissolve.build.rebuild.renew.revamp.redesign.

How do you know which is a selfish *thing* and which is a God *thing*?
Or are they both?
Are they neither?

How do you determine, after hours of agonizing prayer and frustrated fist shaking, which one is the right decision?

(insert internal conflict discussion in my brain)
Is there such a thing as "best of both worlds" and having success in each?!?!

Will my kids be scarred for life if I work for 9-10 hours a day 4 days a week?
Will my kids be scarred for life because I possess none of the "good" stay at home mom traits but choose to do it anyway?

What causes the least amount of scarring?

Is that what parenting boils down to? :-/  The least traumatic choices as parents?

How do I expect to be successful in the professional world (afterall, I did spend 4 years and a couple 'hunnard' grand to BE professional) and be an intentional mommy?  How in the world can I be a flourishing business owner (with overhead and physical space) and still be the biggest time, social, spiritual, and love influence in my kids' lives?  Especially when the hours of greatest "need" for my target market is when I *SHOULD* be with your family?  

And how do you make more family when daycare already costs more than you can bring home?

 (leaving my brain and now thinking outloud, on a grander scale)

I've been encouraged to think that I'm sacrificing now for a better future for our kids.  And that small town, poor farm girl part of me screams-- WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MONEY MAKING THE FUTURE BETTER?!?!?!?!  And the realistic, culturally enveloped part of me yells back-- EVERYONE, YOU IDIOT!!  MONEY MAKES EVERYTHING EASIER AND BETTER!!!

Before I had kids, I thought much the same way.  That when they were little, that was the best time to be "gone".  But now that I have kids, now that I want my kids to know they are my priority, I am more and more convinced there is no "good" time to be absent as a parent.

And I step back.

I listen to the intention and the expectation.
Swirl.
Battle.

This is the hurricane of intention and expectation. 

Just as the winds of hurricanes are far reaching, currently and forever, so is the choice to parent with intention.  And work with conviction. 

And find the calm between the two.