So you have another cup...

The adrenaline is gone. And along with it, all motivation, energy, and clarity. I sit in my kitchen after working most of the day, needing to go back, listening to Pandora, having a cup of coffee, trying to get some perspective. Some 'umph'. For any and all of things I need to do.

To plan a huge marketing campaign so the office doesn't all-out flop. I should be finding seminars to go learn stuff, mainly how to bill insurance and actully get paid instead of continuously resubmitting claims. i should be pouring over the numbers of the office for the last 2 months and trying to figure out what needs to be done to most cost effectively build clientele. Trying to determine what little things the office needs to make it friendlier, warmer. Or looking for professional networking opportunities. Or for another contractor or two, maybe another LMT or an MD who thinks outside the pill bottle.

Or I should be seeking out a gym membership and running off my fatness. So I won't have to go to Goodwill looking for something to wear that doesn't make me look like a marshmellow in spandex. Or I should just take off down the road in the 96 degree GA heat on the black asphalt. That'll shed some pounds. Or I should start the 30 day Shred...again.

Or I should mop. God knows the house needs a good shalacking. But the toys are in the play room (that's all I can say) and there are no dishes in the sink. The trash has been taken out. And there's a nice layer of filth that coats the furniture. So why should I disturb it?

I have about 200 thank yous that need to be written. I've done 4. I might get around to sending them next month. Or in August, let's be honest.

There are a hundred million things I should be doing.

But the adrenaline is gone. My energy is vansihed-- or possibly vanquished-- by the mountains in front of me. And the toddler mattress I sleep on next to Kipton most nights.

I have held two baby boys in two days. And my whole body weeps for my Everett. And I have never been happier for friends who have healthy babies. I am emotinally spent without having time to grieve. How can that be?; it's been 4 weeks tomorrow, right?

Monday the 28th was Kipton's birthday and Memorial Day. Grandma wanted to have a party for Kipton as Keith and I were just too tired to want to do anything. So we had a party Monday afternoon/evening for his birthday and Memorial Day. We checked into the hospital Wednesday 30th at 5 pm. Thursday the 31st, Keith and I left the hospital two hours after they took Everett away in the basket. Keith slept. I cried until the Ambien took effect. We came home the following day (Friday) to spend the whole day with grandparents, the boys, and Yaya. Went to Target to buy my Mom's retirement present. Had a bithday party for Grandma Friday night. Drama ensues. The next morning, we went to WalMart to pick up the John Deere tractor from Yaya and a retirement cake for my mom I prepped the house for grandparents and boys to come over for lunch and playtime in the backyard. Family friends were brining food later, so I just decided we'd call my sister to come up, too. To have a retirement party for mom; I mean, those who love her most were already going to be at the house, what was 2 1/2 more people? Sunday we had lunch at Grandma's and brought the boys home.

The next week was filled with memorial plans, picture aquisition from our photographer who was on a vacation and STILL got us our photos, drama control, and eulogy writing. I went to work for a few hours twice that week to do bills and office stuff. The weekend was more family time. The following Monday we found out Keith's brother and family from California were coming in. Monday and Tuesday we shopped. Endlessly. For something, anything, that I might be able to wear and not feel like the beached, dying whale I felt (feel) like. (Thank you Off Broadway for the most fabulous shoes ever that made the rest of the outfit easier. And everything previously bought had to be returned.) Wednesday I worked for a while at the office and got ready for the 3 house guests. Dinner was at our house for the whole family on Wednesday to celebrate Justin and the girls' arrival, thankfully the in-laws provided pizza and salad. Thursday was a family fun day for the kiddos-- and super draining for a 2 week post partum mommy and daddy who lost their baby and were trying to accomodate for everyone around them, AND exhausting for 2 little boys who had felt so much angst for a week,their routines/schedules completely uprooted, and had been fed incredible amounts of sugar. So it was fun as long as we were playing and not contained. Friday was more prepping, pictures, frames, gifts for family, sudden packing up of clothes for a family who lost everything in a house fire, just... craziness. And then more drama management. Saturday morning the pictures were screwed up so we had to get them redone, Yaya arrived just in time to keep the boys for us, then we got in a fender denter at Target and the memorial service was 2 hours later. With family time at the service. And then more family time after the service. Sunday, more family time. Monday was a day for Keith and I to breathe. Tuesday Keith and I went back to work and then dinner with the family again. I worked Wednesday and part of Thursday last week. Had the boys home with me on Monday, went to work Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday.

And after typing all that, I need to breathe. Because the adrenaline's gone. And with it, my brain. And I'm tired. No, I'm exhausted. And I can't be. Becuase despite the fact that there's been very little rest, there can't be more rest. And it sucks. Because you just have to put your big girl panties (no punn intended for my extra large rear) on, and go on. And I might as well do it with a smile, because grouchy doesn't help anyone. Bitterness doesn't heal anyone or anything.

And I've just decided there will never be enough time to grieve.

Not now, at least.

So I'll have another cup of coffee. And hug my Everett bear. And wordlessly pray to make it through another day.

Without snapping at anyone for saying something stupid.
Without verbally punching someone for their selfcenteredness.
Without sobbing in front of patients.
Without making holes in the wall.
Without regretting anything.

Because sometimes we all speak without thinking.
Because we're all selfish occassinally.
Because sorrow won't pay the bills.
Because regret rots your soul.
And we all need a little grace from each other sometimes.

So you have another cup of coffee. You give a little grace. And even though the adrenline's gone and the energy, clarity, and gumption with it, and exhaustion has set in, life rolls on.

And hopefully as time keeps rolling on, the big girl panties get smaller, energy levels and clarity return, and hope-covered peace will fill everyday.