Dear God--
I learned long ago that asking why only creates bitterness and room for doubt. I've learned that I never get an answer. Not when I want it, at least. So I've refrained from asking you why. Why would my grandfather be so condescending of me? Why would losing weight in middle school create such a miserable life for years? Why all the doctors and fear and headache issues? Why would the youth minister I loved and trusted abuse my trust? Steal my innocence? Destroy my trust in men? Why such a vast abondonment of my faith because I felt so empty? Why was I date raped? Why so alone and yet surrounded by people? Why meet Keith at such ugly places in both of our spiritual lives? Why such a strained way to start our marriage? Why so much chaos? Why so much insecurity? Why did Aiden have to come so early? Stay a month in the NICU? Why pregnant again so quickly? *How* did I get pregnant a third time? And why just after opening my office? Why does my baby have to die? Why do I have to try SO HARD to happily prepare his arrival while I'm planning his immediate departure? I've refrained from asking why for so many years. But when, God, when does it all stop? When is enough pain, enough loss, enough hurt...enough?
Please hear my heart, God, I know that all things work for my good because I love you and because I am called to your purpose. Your purpose of loving people in such a way that they've never seen or felt love before. A way that I often feel I missed out on. I think I understand that the most difficult of times in my life are meant to grow me and mold me so I can better love others. So I can better be what you've called people who love you to be.
I know I have no control. I know I have no say. I'm pretty sure i have no pride left. I have nothing in me to rely upon unless it comes from you. I can't think straight. My head is swimming in all of my responsibilities. And many times I'm drowning. Drowning in most of them. I am weak. I am tired. And life just keeps going. I am not wasting any energy on why or what else or any of those other impossible questions. I am too tired. I am too weak. I know those are answers I'll never get. I'm praying for a break from the stress. I'm asking for a halt in the onslaught of difficulties. I don't need to know why these things happened. I know that through each of these challenges I will choose (and have chosen) to love others more deeply. To help others in their impossible situations. I am not bitter, even if I sound it. Hear my heart, God. I am tired. I am weak.
So please, God, give me strength to be wife, mommy, doctor, business owner, daughter, daughter in law, friend. I am tired. I am weak. I am 36 1/2 weeks pregnant. I am planning my unborn son's memorial service with the help of one of your teams at NorthPoint/Watermarke on Wednesday. I signed the papers for my baby's cremation on Friday. Today I packed bags for the boys to go to Grandma's house, packed most of my hospital bag, made a list of everything we need to make sure we have, and asked Keith to get his bag started too. Over the last 2 weeks I have made arrangements for school for the boys in case we need it. I have made arrangements with a photographer. I have established the birth plan with the hospital and the perinatal loss team. I have done all these things with Keith by my side. We celebrated our 4th anniversary-- and once again we vowed to do as much as we can to make our lives less stressful individually, as a couple, and as a family. And Lord, we are tired. We are weak. We are not bitter. We are not angry. We are tired. We are weak. And the day draws near. And our strength and energy nears empty. And yet we must still be Mommy and Daddy. We must still be professionals. We must still be spouses. And somehow still find time to grieve. And give space and grace for each other and our families to grieve as well.
So Lord, I don't ask why. I don't ask what else. I ask for a simple reprieve on our lives. A net that filters more strain. A hand that picks us up where we are falling down. And rest for our brains, our bodies, and our hearts. Rest and peace that can only fully come through you. We are not bitter. We are not angry. We are tired. And we must keep going.
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