Miracles aren't about outcomes...

I usually think in music.  Like, you say a phrase and I suddenly have a song that finishes the phrase, has something to do with the phrase, or links it somehow to the thought.  I think in music.  This morning, I started thinking in movie.  Very specific movie.  The Prince of Egypt.  Random.

I was in the shower.  Wanting to be in bed, but Kipton's sweet arms had been whacking me in the head for about 30 minutes and his cute little snot face had been open-mouth breathing in my face for about the same amount of time.  I was already feeling.. unstable.  Thank you pregnancy.  I was intentionally taking too long, trying to find some sort of strength to make it through the very long day that was ahead.  I was semi-praying, semi-planning, semi- thinking.  And suddenly, the face of Dreamworks Moses, the water parting, and the whale in the parted water flashed in my head.  In bits and pieces, the song flooded over me   The chorus, repeating over and over "There can be miracles when you believe".  "Many nights we've prayed."  "A hope we barely understood."  "Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill."  Over and over.

It was like permission to cry.  To sob.  Silently as the water was streaming down from the shower.  It was permission to hope.  It was permission to believe.  It was permission to... feel... everything.  Despair, confusion, frustration, hurt.  Hope, peace, comfort, blind trust.  All pouring over me like rain.  Flooding me.  Reminding me that miracles aren't always about outcomes.  The miracles happened through faith.  That miracles are not about seeing the big picture at all-- miracles are about imagination.  Miracles are about seeing beyond yourself.  Miracles are about daring to have hope.  Miracles are about believing in the midst of the unbelievable.  Miracles are about... being able to take a step into the middle of the sea with an army hunting you.

Sometimes I feel like the army is hunting me.  It's an army of doubt and despair.  Looming just behind me.  Fighting belief.

But I believe.  I don't need a miracle of healing to make my belief real.  I doubt my belief enough to know it's real.  Sounds strange, but it makes sense to me.  I may not be praying for a miracle of healing-- at some point I might start-- but I think praying for what seems impossible- comfort and peace- is part of the miracle.  I may not have that 'sweet spirit' that lends me to graciousness about the gifts we've been given, the joy of being Everett's parents, that I know God has plan for this and that He has directed this into our lives to create good, but I can say I have an open heart.  I can't say that my heart is settled.   I can't say that I feel only hope and thankfulness.  I can't say that my first thought is how awesome and amazing my God is.  But I can say that I have faith that God is loving.  I have faith that God is faithful.  I have faith that God gives comfort.  I have faith that God is there.  That he is crying with us.  That the waters have already been parted... we just have be willing to walk between the walls of water.  The walls of fear.  The walls of despair.  I have faith that he will keep the fear and despair at arm's length.  I have faith that there can be miracles.  When you believe. Though hope is frail.  It's hard to kill.