The Wait

We wait this afternoon, boys with Grandma, snuggled in our bed, for the "phone call".  The call that determines if there is a current diagnosis.  We wait to see if the crazy chromosomal mix up happened as a fluke, creating a Trisomy.  Or if our genetic make up created this... this...impossible situation. 

I.  I don't know what I'm hoping for.  I am terrified with every 'crampy' feeling in my pelvis.  Is *this* my impending miscarriage?  If I don't feel Everette move every hour or two, I silently freak and out sink into myself.  I get nauseous.  I get dizzy.  I get weak. And suddenly, I can't look at anyone.  Anywhere.  I don't answer a text message for a while.  I don't look at the facebook notifications.  I just... exist.  Until he moves again.  And I wait for it to start all over.

If we get the news of a "13", that's essentially what I'll be doing.  Waiting.  Endlessly.  For a miscarriage. 

If we get the news of an "18", we wait for the unknown.  The chance of miscarriage is still high, although not as absolute as the former.  If it's an 18, we face the future with complete uncertainty.  We wait for the onset of labor.  We make an outline for the birth plan.  We make arrangements with a funeral home to be on stand by. We make sure the hospital has a photographer that can be 'on call'-- or at least we try to find one that can be.  We must discuss the plans with our parents.  Both the birth plan and the funeral plan.  Of my baby.

If we don't get a diagnosis of a Trisomy, they begin intricately screening our genes and the databases for matches and causes.  And, instead of blaming chance and probabilities, I get to blame myself.  I know it's stupid.  I get it.  Really I do.  And I know it's not my 'fault', but... it is.  My X is likely the culprit.  MY genes.  MY stupidity for not getting screened with any pregnancy.  There's nothing in our history on either side. At least I thought.  I was reminded of what I was previously told were miscarriages in my grandmother.  Turns out they weren't miscarriages.  There were two stillborns and a baby who lived 6 hours.  My genes.

How do you keep going everyday?  How do you act like nothing is on your mind?  How do you just... wait?  How do you go to work?  How do you run a business?  How do you give yourself to other people as a healthcare provider? While you wait to have a miscarriage?  Or wait months to deliver a baby who won't live?  How do you face your parents?  Siblings?  How do you face your in laws?  How do you just hang out?  How do you remain engaged in every daily activity?  How do you have sex?  How do you laugh? How do you NOT get drunk?  And why the hell does it matter if I do?  How do you... wait?  For the death of your unborn baby?

Oddly enough, I wish I had a corporate job-- isolated in a cubicle.  Absolutely the opposite of my personality.  But while I wait.  While I wait.  Instead, I have a business.  I'm the only reason it exists.  It can't shut down.  I have bills.  I have a 2 yr contract on the space.  I have a 3 year contract on the software.  There's the electricity bill, the water bill, comcast, patients.  There is no retreat.  No wall to hide behind.  And the worst thing?  The business can't just keep paying the bills and providing enough in reserves to purchase the next thing the office needs.  I have to GROW the damn thing.  While I wait.  While I wait.

I know there's this really spiritual and fantastic song that talks about what to do you while you wait.  Serving and praising.  I'm not there yet.  I'm just not there yet.

I will learn while I wait.  I will grow my marriage while I wait.  I will fall in love my little boy who will not love me back.  I will take those beautiful pregnancy pictures I never said I would.  I will love my 2 little boys more than I ever did before.  I will hug my husband and kiss him everyday and tell him how thankful I am for him, his support, and his love.  I will tell my Mama how thankful I am that she gives and gives and gives, wanting nothing but a hug in return.  I will tell my Daddy that I love him.  I will share my story.  I will share the struggles.  I will share the connections.  I will share my heart.  I will connect with friends again.  I will 'love wastefully' (stolen from an Episcopal minister/professor) as Jesus did.

And I will pray that is enough.